"Eurovision fans and outliers. Every year I do a little piece about why your favourite song isn't going to win Eurovision. It's mostly the same jokes every time, but people seem to enjoy it. Have a little gander yerself and see if you agree…"
Roy D Hacksaw's piece on the Eurovision Song Contest entrants for OnEurope is here: https://oneurope.co.uk/editorial/why-your-favourite-song-wont-win-eurovision-2023-version/
Albania Because this is an international pop music competition, not an argument at a family wedding.
Armenia Because after talking to him online for some months, Brunette’s future lover turned out to be a 61-year-old truck driver from Lithuania called Ramunas. She only discovered this after wiring a considerable amount of money to help his apparently sick mother. She still awaits the sound of his big rig pulling up outside her city centre apartment. Hopefully. Expectantly.
Australia C’mon, even prog fans think this is some weak-assed shit. It’s a job to work out who’s the most dated – the car on stage or the bloke sitting in it.
Austria You diss the streaming overlords at your peril. All of a sudden, all electronic access to this song evaporated overnight, and the live broadcast got a cease and desist notice posted all over it. It wasn’t so much the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe causing the problem, but the living anger-sprite of Daniel Ek.
This goes on, hilariously, right through the thirty-seven entrants, and if you want to read it all click on Roy's article link.
Roy D Hacksaw is an author, journalist, TV producer and international punk rock star. But he still spares some time for the little people like OnEurope. Kinda like charity, only more patronising. He’ll doubtless return next year to trot out the same old tired gags. But in the meantime, buy his novel Worst. Eurovision. Ever. and see what actually goes on behind the scenes. Possibly.